Not So Brave......

My friend's daughter and I went to go visit our little Pendo yesterday.  Pendo had not been doing well for several months, and over the past few days she had declined pretty rapidly.  As we were walking to the hospital, I mentioned to my friend's daughter, Morrie, how the walk to the hospital to find out if a patient has died is one of the worst walks I'll ever take.  It's never a pleasurable thing to see if you will be walking into a room to find a suffering patient, or an empty bed.  We found Pendo's bed empty.  I didn't even need to ask the nurses; I knew she was dead.  Although I am grieving the absence of this beautiful and spirited child, I am so grateful that God answered our prayers and that sweet baby isn't suffering anymore.  The progression of her illness and death was by far the worst I have ever seen; even worse than my father's death.  I remember the day Pendo and I met.  She was fighting to get out of the cancer ward, and eventually she was fighting me as I held her and prayed for God to give her peace.  At that moment, I saw all of her fear and anger leave her, and it never returned.
During the last few months of her life, she was in a tremendous amount of pain.  I couldn't touch her anywhere on her body that didn't make her wince in agony, and eventually it was difficult for her to even lie in bed.  The only place I could touch her that didn't cause her pain was the top of her head.  I swear, I must have rubbed a bald patch on the child's head!
The thing I'm most grateful for is that she died feeling and knowing she was loved.  I didn't see her the day she died.  I was thinking about going that day, but I was so emotionally and spiritually tired that I had to stay home and rest.  I did manage to see her the day before she died.  She was in and out of consciousness, and wasn't aware of her surroundings.  She was also hallucinating, much in the same way my father was shortly before he died.  Shortly before I left her, God blessed Pendo with a very brief moment of clarity.  She emerged quite suddenly from wherever she had been.  She was conscious and aware of her surroundings, and was able to ask for water and juice.  I used those moments to tell her over and over that God loved her, her friends and family loved her, and I loved her.  I'm so grateful the last thing I said to her was that I loved her.
It's funny.  Despite the fact that my heart is sad today, I am able to rejoice in all the blessings God provided wrapped up in my experiences with the little girl.  And even though I am sad, I can still fell God's love all around me.  His love is a warm and comfortable blanket for me today.  I can be sad; I don't have to be happy all the time.  I can feel my feelings and be comforted by God's grace and mercy.
So many people tell me I'm an angel and I have a lot of strength to minister and assist children who are sick and dying in making their transitions from this earthly world into the waiting arms of the Father.  But oh, if you could just know these kids.  If you could just understand their courage.  They are the strong ones.  At the end of the day, I get to come home to a comfortable house, a full, hot meal a warm, soft bed, security.  The kids have to live day in and day out not knowing if the friends they are playing with today are going to be there to play with them tomorrow.  They are the ones who have to endure painful and frightening medical procedures all alone, with no comfort or support.  They are the ones who have to listen to the screams and cries of their friends as they go through the same.  They are the ones who have to see their friends lying dead in their hospital beds, and they are the ones who have to watch their friends being wheeled away, covered in a sheet.  They are the ones who have to worry and wonder every single day if they are going to be the next ones on that stretcher.
I'm not brave for working with these children; it is God's calling for me so my love for them and desire to support them comes easily and naturally.  I am the one who is so incredibly, incredibly blessed for knowing them.  I learn so much from them.  They readily give the purest and most unconditional form of love.  If I had one tenth of the guts that these kids have to endure what they go through on a daily basis and still have the ability to laugh, smile and find the joy in living, I most certainly would have accomplished so much more with my life than what I have accomplished up to this point.  My life changed forever when these kids came into my lives.  It continues to change my life for the better, every moment I know them.  I love these kids with all my heart, and I want to thank you for loving them, too.

Crying's for Girls!!!!!

Crying is for babies.  Crying is for people who are weak.  You don't want to let anyone see you cry because people don't like to be burdened with other people's problems.  Buck up.  Be strong.  These and other anomalies have been reiterated to children time and time again.  When I was a kid, one of my favorite things was the record, Free to Be...You and Me.  I remember one song in particular.  It was sung by Rosey Grier, who, along with being an ordained Christian minister, just happened to be a very talented football player.  The guy was huge, outside as well as the heart he carried for children.  The song was called, It's Alright to Cry, basically portraying that message.  It's alright to cry.  It's alright to let go and just let God.  How did we as a society stray so far from this concept in less than thirty years?  How did we convince ourselves, and then our children, that we must allow emotions to stay and fester inside of us causing so much damage, rather than spend an hour or so having a really good cry, thereby take a huge step in the healing process?  I'm not ashamed to admit this: I cry at least once per week.  Not because I'm depressed, or a cry baby, or a sad sack, or any other name that you might want to throw at me.  I cry because, plain and simple, my field of ministry is emotionally taxing.  And let's be honest, living in a foreign country can be emotionally taxing, too.  So my way of coping with the stress is to cry.  I don't need to be comforted.  I don't need to be told everything is going to be alright.  I am already comforted by the act of crying, and I know that everything will be alright because I have given it to God.  Don't ever be afraid to cry.  God counts and collects each and every one of our tears and gladly takes our burdens as our own, so that we may show His love, mercy and grace to those who need it.

Facing Your Fears (Even in the cold!!!)

It can be a huge misconception that the weather in Africa is unbearably hot most of the time.  We only have  have two seasons here: the rainy season and the dry season.  It does get hot, yes, but when you wake up in the morning, inevitably you are almost always faced with a cold day.  I'm not talking about a little chilly....I mean it's so cold you can see your breath.  I try to leave the house around eight o clock in the morning, right in the thick of the coldness.  Although the coldness can be more than I can bear at times, especially living in the hills, during the dry season I never bring any sort of jacket with me.  I rely on the fact that, within an hour or two, the sun will brighten and warm everything around me, and I won't need it. And 99.9% of the time, I am right.  The sun comes out, everything is warm, and I don't have the extra load of carrying around something I don't need.

How many of us are carrying around things we don't need?  Things we are afraid to give up because of what "might" happen?  There is a lesson I seem to be in constant need of reminding.  First and foremost, my mind has the uncanny ability of immediately jumping to the worst case scenario, the magnifying it times twenty.  And things are never as bad as they seem.  Secondly, the things I'm carrying around that need to be laid at the feet of God are not the things I need.  I may think I need them but, when I am finally ready to lay my burden down, God shows me that the things I thought I needed were things I never needed at all.  In fact, these things were hurting me instead of helping me.

There is a major part of my life that has left an important piece of me broken. It has prevented me from fully sharing His love, mercy and grace He has been so desperately trying to give to me all these years because it has prevented me from fully receiving it. I have clung onto this part of my life for so long, it's become like a security blanket.  I almost don't know who I am without it.  Through my journey of healing, change and growth, God has, in His ever kind, loving and gentle manner, shown me the things I need to give to Him.  This part of my life has festered in my soul for years, preventing me from changing and growing in my faith.  Over time, I have used people, places and things to balm the wound, but it has never truly healed because I never wanted to give it up.  That is the only true way for the soul to heal: you must give all of your wounds over to the Lord.  All of your pain, all of your hurt, all of your anger, all of your resentment must be given over to Him, fully and completely without reservation or hesitation.  That is why Jesus died on the cross for us.  He gave us the incredibly selfless gift of not only dying to pardon our sins, but also to take all of our hurt and pain upon Himself.  He gladly takes anything we want to give to Him; but therein lies the key, we want to have to give it to Him. He won't take anything that isn't offered to Him. Even though it is incredibly scary, I'm finally ready to give all of my hurt and anger to Him.  I'm ready to lay it down at His feet and be done with it.  I know what harboring resentment and anger and hurt can do.  I've seen lives destroyed because of it, and I refuse to allow satan to destroy my life.  Whatever happens to me from letting go of the anger and resentment cannot be any worse than harboring it inside.  

Now, here's the thing; just because I don't bring a jacket with me, I always bring an umbrella.  Even if there isn't a cloud in the sky, an umbrella is always by my side because you never know when it might rain.  The same can be said for laying down your burdens.  When you finally let go, you need to take with you the shield of the Lord to protect you.  The desire of the enemy is to destroy anything that is a pathway to God's love, mercy and grace, including God's children.  Plain and simple: we just can't completely and fully give ourselves to others and be clear pathways of God's love, mercy and grace if we are harboring things inside of us that are preventing us from receiving God's love in the first place.  I tried that for years, and I know others who have as well.  Please trust me when I tell you, it simply can't be done.  We can have all of the best intentions in the world; but if any one thing inside ourselves is preventing us from receiving the complete splendor of God's love, mercy and grace, how can we expect to be able to fully extend it to others?  It's like giving someone an expensive present with the part missing that needs to be there to make it work,  and expecting the person to fix it himself before he can use it.  There is a woman in my life who has walked closely with me on this journey of healing this part of me.  On Monday, we are going to light a fire and put all of my hurts, angers, and resentments into it and finally put this part of my life to rest, once and for all.  It's funny;  I thought I'd be too scared and stubborn to want any part of it.  But even though I've clung to this part of my life like a security blanket, I honestly and truly couldn't be happier to throw it away, once and for all.

"The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer, my shield and the horn of my salvation,". Psalm 18:2  That's all any of us really need to know.  

Going Home

I've been in the states, saying with my family in Massachusetts, for about a week now.  As time goes on, I'm realizing one of the biggest reasons I had to come back is because I had to make sure my tie living in the states in really over, and, if it was, I had to officially close the chapter on that part of my life.  It is over, and that's not a bad thing.  If I hadn't found my place in the world, a place to belong, a place to give to others, a place where I can be myself with no restrictions, boundaries, or expectations, I would have a much harder time with it.  But, praise God, I have a place in the world where I can not only have everything in the world I want and need, but I can also help others get what they want and need, too.  Nothing can be taken at face value; if it is, so much beauty is missed beyond the outer appearances.  We are capable of change, and of growth.  We don't have to just "settle" for anything.  Just because we say goodbye to one chapter and move onto another, doesn't mean we leave people and places behind.  They will always have a special place in our hearts and in our memories, and they will remain there forever.  OK, enough of the "fortune cookie" banter...time to get up and seize the day! (had to get one more in....)

So, here's the run down....

So, when I go back to the states, I'm going to be making a presentation about the ministry before returning to Kenya.  Many of you have been wondering what the ministry is all about, so I thought I'd share the transcripts of the presentation for anyone who is curious.  Enjoy and be blessed!

                                                Project Agape Love

Shortly after I returned to Kenya in February of 2012, I began volunteering as a hospital/hospice lay chaplain for Kenyatta National Hospital, Kenya’s largest government hospital, located in Nairobi.  After volunteering for several months, I began to take notice of a few things.  Due to a limited budget, patients were not receiving toiletries from the hospital.  They were simply given a basin of water every day to use for their cleaning and toileting needs.  Although their lack of cleanliness and their inability to properly take care of themselves was contributing to their depression and lack of self esteem, there was also a far more serious consequence taking place.    Subsequently, many patients with compromised immune systems due to AIDS and other catastrophic and chronic illnesses were dying because they were receiving illnesses from other patients, and also suffering from cross contamination due to improper hygiene and lack of sanitary living conditions.  Moreover, children who were patients of the hospital were living their lives void of any sort of amusement or comfort.  They were experiencing painful and traumatic medical procedures without any form of support.  They were being subjected to hearing their friend’s screams during these procedures, and watching their friends die around them.  Their parents and other family members are only allowed to visit during visiting hours, so most of the time the children were living these experiences alone and frightened.  Eventually the Lord helped me come to the decision that I could not volunteer at the hospital anymore without doing something to try to address these and other issues. 

 In October of 2012, I started a ministry called Project Agape Love.  The main focus group of the P.A.L. ministry is people of all ages who are in the process of dying, have life threatening illness or terminal illness, or are chronically ill.  In addition, P.A.L. also offers support services for family members of people who are sick and dying, and instructs patients and their families in ways to help and support each other, in addition to receiving support services through the ministry.

Project Agape Love is a holistic ministry focusing on the promotion of physical, mental, and spiritual health and wellness.  From personal experience, I know that when one of these areas is negatively affected, it has the very real potential of negatively affecting the other two areas as well.  The goal of Project Agape Love is to effectively minister to all three of these areas, thereby offering a holistic approach to healing.  In the past, the ways we have been addressing these three areas have included:

1.      We have had volunteers from all over the world help the ministry by organizing donations and visiting the hospital.  These countries include Korea, England, USA, Canada, Kenya, and Australia.

2.       Delivering healthy treats, such as bananas, to people who have been critically and severely burned to a point where they cannot do anything for themselves, and they need to be hand fed.  We also help feed them their meals.  Due to time constraints and the extensive patient to nurse ratio, often times patients are given their trays and simply left to fend for themselves.  For many of these patients, feeding themselves is an impossible task, as their bodies are so severely burned they might not be able to move, or their hands and arms are bandaged in such a way that they are rendered useless.

3.      Delivering toiletries including, but not limited to, soap, toothpaste and toothbrushes,  shampoo, and lotion to government hospital patients who do not receive these items from the hospital while they are patients.  The hope is that in receiving these items free of charge, it will not only promote self esteem, but also promote physical well being, thereby preventing the contraction of secondary infections.

4.      Children who have been critically burned, are living with HIV, AIDS, cancer and other catastrophic and chronic illnesses have received stuffed animals, books, and other toys.  The toys serve not only as entertainment, but also as a tangible way for the children to remember God’s love for them. 

5.      Bananas have also been delivered to several meetings of a support group for women living with HIV and AIDS.

6.      July 16^th 2012 will mark the opening of a holistic respite center named Sophie’s Place.  The goal of Sophie’s Place is to promote spiritual, physical and mental health wellness.  The services of this center will be available for women living with HIV and AIDS, cancer, and other catastrophic and chronic illness, and are living in unsanitary and unsafe conditions.  Currently, the center will be run from my home.  The women will be coming on Wednesday and Thursdays, one at a time from 9am to 4pm, to experience individualized care.  She will be receiving three organic, healthy meals prepared by an organic chef, and tea will also be available in the afternoon.  She will have her own private bedroom for sleep or meditation, which is called “Mama D’s Corner”.  The activities from which she can choose to do during the day include, but are not limited to:

a.       Lying in a hammock or on the grass

b.      Reading the bible or choosing a book to read that promotes healing from the Peter W. and Mark A. Johnson Memorial Library.

c.       Planting a flower or tree in a friend’s memory in the Rollins and Rupert Robinson Memorial Garden.

d.      Listening to relaxing music.

e.       Talking to me one on one.

f.       Taking a walk in or sitting in nature.

g.      Receiving a massage with scented oil or lotion.

h.      Having the opportunity to bathe in clean, warm water with scented soaps.

i.        Having nails painted.

In addition to these services, she will also be learning skills she can use to get her through difficult times in a healthy way.  Project Agape Love has partnered with Living Positive Kenya to initially provide these services to\ a pilot group of fifty women living with HIV and AIDS.  Each woman will have the opportunity to come to the center twice per year, with possible small, weekend retreats also available.

Some of the things for which we need donations:

A.    Transportation- Transportation to and from the center is going to be free of charge.  $30  per week should suffice for this.

B.     Food- I have received a very generous donations of services provided for an organic chef to prepare meals.  However, this is not completely free as she will be preparing the meals at cost.  $20-50 per week is enough to buy the ingredients needed for meals.

C.     Books- I like to spend approximately $15 dollars a week building the library.  In addition, books of any kind are also accepted.

D.    Lotions/ soaps etc: Approximately $15 dollars a week is needed to provide lotions and soaps.

In addition to Sophie’s Place, I will also be continuing the ministry at the hospital, and will continue needing donations for that.  As always, we appreciate all of your help and support.  It does my patients so much good to know how many people love them and support them.  We wish you all health and much happiness.  Be blessed!

There's got to Be More to Life Than This......

.....while I was living in the states, that is the thought I had, constantly.  There has to be more to life than this. While I was talking with a mentor yesterday, I realized that for the first time, I haven't had that thought once since moving to Kenya.  A woman shared with me a story yesterday. It was a parable from the book The Dream Giver.  A man named Ordinary lived in the land of Familiar.  Every day was routine.  He would go to work, go out for drinks with friends, the come home.  One day, he found a white feather, and he didn't know what to do with it.  His father told him that he had once found a white feather, and hadn't done anything with it.  The white feather was a his dream.  His father told the man to do something with the white feather, for him.

I truly feel like I have found my white feather here in Kenya.  It's an incredibly scary and daunting thing, putting down roots in another country, thousands of miles away from everything comfortable and familiar.  After this furlough to the states, I don't know when I will be able to go back.  I know it will not be at least for several months, as I will have to save up again.  And if things go sour here, I stand to loose so much.  My ministry, my friends, my dogs, my home, basically, the life I've worked so hard to create for myself.  These thoughts and fears have been running through my mind constantly.  Initially, it would be easier to just stay in the states, and let's be honest, probably a lot safe, too.  However, sometimes "easier" and "safer" isn't always "better".  I've always loved the underdog, and stand up and cheer when the rise from adversity.  For me, the movie Rudy is the best example of that.  One of my favorite quotes from the movie is when he is leaving his best friend's funeral.  He tells his fiance that he's going to south Bend, to try to get into Notre Dame and play football, or he will never be good enough for her, or for himself.  Long before I knew I was going to be moving to Kenya, my dream was to open a no cost hospice/respite center.  Through His unimaginable mercy, grace, and love, God has presented me with the opportunity to live my dream.  God never gives us anything unless we ask for it, and He never forces anything on us.  He gives us opportunities, and then gives us the option to either take those opportunities or ignore them.  The one thing I know is this: Despite all of my fears, reservations, and concerns, if I don't use this opportunity the Lord has provided me to the best of my ability, and carry it out as far as it possibly can go, I will never be good enough for myself.  I will never be good enough for anyone else.  I will spend the rest of my life wondering if I could have done it, if I gave up too soon, if I gave into fear.  And even though life in Kenya can at times be uncomfortable and sometimes even downright scary, I realized I can't live the rest of my life wondering.  God gave me this incredible gift of a passion for loving people who are sick and dying, and having the opportunity to do so.  It is my responsibility to use this gift to the very best of my God given ability.  Anything else is simply unacceptable.

Such are the Dreams of a Corporate Woman

So last night I had a dream.  I dreamed I was back in the office again, working at a computer and making a comfortable living.  I'm going to be very honest here.....at times, the thought of going back to that lifestyle appeals to me.  I've always found myself successful at jobs where I know the rules.  There's a right way to do something, and there's a wrong way to do something.  There's never really any sort of panic involved in having to put out little fires every day.  It's routine.  It's predictable.  And, let's face it, in a land of constant unpredictability, expecting something and it actually being the way you expected it sounds pretty good to me.  Especially on the days where there isn't any power or running water.  But I also know that lifestyle of predictability was sucking the life out of me.  I was excelling at my job, I loved my co workers and they loved me, I was making enough money to live a very comfortable lifestyle and was even in the process of taking classes to get a promotion.  But I wasn't happy.  The things I deal with on a daily basis are hard.  People get sick and die.  Extreme poverty unlike I have ever seen is constantly and endlessly abounding.  There is an merciless amount of corruption, greed, and violence.  Without a doubt, this is the most difficult place I have ever lived in my entire life.  Yet, the remarkable thing is, despite this, I have never been happier. Living in God's purpose makes all of the other things look like gravy.  Yes, going through these thing is difficult.  Sometimes, it's so difficult I find myself longing for an airplane and a ticket back to the states.  But then I think of all that I would miss if I chose to go back to being safe.  I would miss working in God's purpose for me.  I would experiencing all of the miraculous and wondrous ways He manages to untangle even the most seemingly impossible problems, in ways better than I ever could have imagined.  I would miss finding out who I am capable of being, not by my possessions but by my character.  I would miss seeing God's love, mercy and grace transform seemingly helpless individuals into givers of light.  I would miss the glory of God in all of its amazing and incredible splendor.  And for me, being "safe" is not worth sacrificing even one of those things, let alone all of them.  The rewards I reap here far outweigh any sort of uncomfortable situation I might experience.  Some people think i'm crazy for wanting to live my life here.  And I can understand that.  From an outsider's point of view it may seem like a very dangerous and difficult place to set up shop.  But the way I see it is this....how can I even think of living anywhere or doing anything else?  Nothing is better than today....nothing is more perfect than this moment.