Through the Eyes of a Child

For people looking from the outside into the world of hospice chaplaincy for children, it would seem as though we had a rough day today.  A nine year old girl I had spent quite a bit of time with passed away today.  It's hard to describe the experience as a whole, but I'm going to do the best I can here.  To understand my point of view, you have to first understand where these children have been, as opposed to where they are going.  Through the grace of God, I do the best I can to walk along these children, their families, and their caregivers, comfort them, console them, and bring them whatever amount of happiness I can during the absolute worst times of their lives.  The pain and fear these children face on a daily basis continues to amaze me.  They face procedures grown adults would not be able to get through, screaming and crying all the way, but they get through them.  They endure countless surgeries, endless side effects, and medications that make them unbelievably sick.  More often than not, their parents stay in the waiting room, crying, knowing their children are suffering, but they can't bring themselves to comfort their children because they can't bear to see their babies in pain.  It is a daily struggle for all concerned, ending only when the Lord decides to call his beautiful little servant home.

So, this is what the child is leaving behind.  If I am sad when a child dies, it's only for myself.  I grow to love each and every one of these children as if they were my own, and every time one of them dies, a small piece of my heart that belonged to that child dies right along with them.  I can't adequately describe the experience of watching a child when he is having his first look at Heaven with his own eyes.  There is a look of amazement and peace, unlike he has ever experienced on earth.  And yes, I am grateful for that.  I'm grateful God's faithful little servant is finally finding peace beyond anything he could have imagined.  I'm grateful to be able to see the children in peace and contentment, instead of in fear and in agonizing pain.  I am grateful he is out of pain, and I'm grateful he doesn't have to be afraid anymore.  And I'm grateful knowing, time and time again, that there is a beautiful and glorious place called Heaven; knowing that, whatever I experience here on earth, will eventually melt away and I will be renewed in His love mercy and grace in a place so beautiful and peaceful I can't even begin to comprehend the extent of it.

Perspective

A few nights ago, I experienced one of the worst stomach aches I've ever had in my life.  I couldn't even stand or really walk without assistance.  Fortunately for me, my ever faithful house manager, Violet, was there to help me to the nearby hospital, where I was diagnosed with malaria and typhoid.  For a short period of time I was left alone, because Violet had to go back to the house to get some money.  During that time I was scared, alone, and in a lot of pain, with nothing to do but look at the ceiling.  Even during this time, my thoughts turned to my patients.  I realized this is what they must be feeling on a daily basis.  It was humbling.  As of late, ?I've been way too wrapped up in my own issues and difficulties.  Sometimes, when I'm in the thick of selfishness and self centerness, the Lord allows me to go through potentially dangerous situations far enough to get me humble, but not so far that I would experience the worst possible outcome of said dangerous situation.  I'm praying that one of these days

Wear the Yellow Tee Shirt

So, I have this yellow tee shirt in my closet.  I love it.  It's a little baggy, has some pretty funky designs...just my style.  But...I hardly ever wear it.  Why, you may ask?  I'll tell you...I'm a klutz and am afraid of spilling something on it.  A few weeks ago, I wore the tee shirt, and, lo and behold, I spilled something on it.  But here's the clincher...I washed it, and it became clean!

It made me think of how many times we miss out on incredible things because of what "might" happen.  I know, for me, nine times out of ten what I worry about never happens.  I can honestly say I didn't have any reservations or worries about giving up everything I own and moving to Africa.  Other people did, of course, but I was ready to go.  Now, if I had known then what I know now, things may have been a little different.  But, I thank God for my nativity.  At the end of the day, I love living here.  This is my corner of the world, and where I'm supposed to be.  If I had let the fear of others rule my life and my decisions, I might not have ever come (although God does have a way of making sure His plans are carried out, regardless of circumstance).  When I think of how much I would have missed out on if I had stayed in the states, it makes me shudder.  I would have missed out on learning some of the most important and meaningful lessons of my entire life.  I would have missed knowing some of my most closest friend whom I consider to my my second family.  I would have missed the indescribable experience of growing in God's love, mercy and grace, and sharing His love with others.  I dare say I would have missed the opportunity to find myself, and my place in the world.  Of course, bad things have happened to me.  But, at the end of the day, it doesn't matter.  The experiences I have had and am having every day easily trump any sort of hassles or troubles I might have to deal with.  I wouldn't do anything differently.  Don't be afraid to wear the yellow tee shirt.  Whatever happens, it's worse not to try.