Who's Driving?

I don't believe I've made it to be much of a secret that this past month has been difficult for me.  Physically, I've been tired and run down.  I've felt angry, depressed, and out of control.  Towards the beginning of the month, there was a pretty brutal terrorist attack in the small coastal town of Mpeketoni.  At the last count I dared to look at, 49 people were killed.  The assault targeted men, and most of the men were shot in the head right in front of their families.  We've had several terrorist attacks in the months preceding this one.  I'm not sure why this particular attack affected me the way it did.  As I watched the footage of men, women and children screaming and crying, fear and rage grew inside me.  I wasn't angry at the people who committed these horrible acts.  I was angry at God.  My hear understood about free will,. but my head kept asking, where was God when all of this was happening?  Why couldn't He stop it?  Why isn't He doing anything to help the situation?  I spent some time with a few very strong Christians I love and respect, and had some open and honest conversations with them.  But, even in those conversations, I really didn't get any satisfactory answers.  I wanted to know why, and of course, only God knows why each individual person chooses free will over Him.  Fear bred from confusion.  When I'm confused, I feel out of control.  When I feel out on control, I get angry.  When I'm scared, I also get angry.  In response to this situation, I felt both of those things very strongly.  I really had a hard time believing this was how God was running the world.  This was hard for me to admit until recently, but the trust that I felt I was gaining in God had gone away.   So essentially, I thought I could do better, and so I tried.  Believe me when I tell you, I could control things no better than an infant could drive a car.  And I discovered that the more I tried to control things, the worse it got.  I tried to control people, which led to strained and broken relationships.  Not just with individuals, but with God Himself.  The farther I moved away from Him, the worse things got.  I wasn't just taking the control for myself.  I was also giving it to people, places, and things.  Interactions with people were controlling me.  Money was controlling me.  Food was controlling me.  The internet and TV was controlling me.  Even the people up the street playing their music too loud was controlling me.
Eventually, two and a half weeks into other things controlling me and me trying to control things instead of God, I decided t take a day from my "duties" of playing God and took a hike into Maasai country.  For those of you who've never been, the view in the Maasai country of Kenya is absolutely breathtaking.  It's also one of the few places in the country that is untouched by a lot of people, garbage, noise, and pollution.  Basically when you're there, you're surrounded by nature and it's the best place for me to listen to God.  A lot happened out there between me and God.  There were some arguments, blaming, and anger involved, all on my part.  There were some nice surprises, like herds of wild zebras and antelope.  I shed a lot of tears.  I didn't get the answers I was looking for.  But, I got the answers I needed.  I know God is there for me, even when I turn my back on Him. I know I can choose how I feel, and I can choose how things affect me.  And for sure, I know that I'm lousy at playing God, and hate being in the "driver's seat".  It's not working for me anymore.  Life still isn't perfect, nor will it ever be.  The people up the street still play their music too loud sometimes.  I'm still waiting on things I've been waiting on for what seems like ages.  And I'm still working on allowing God to be in control, even when I don't agree or understand His decisions.  I tend to give things over to God one moment, then snatch it back the next.  But, in this moment, right now things are better.  I'll take it.

Do YOU Want It?

There are days when I don't talk to God out loud, but in my mind.  Today was one of those days.  I'm here to tell ya, God isn't always gentle.  When we need a swift kick in the butt, like I needed today, He is firm, honest, but still very forgiving and kind.  I seem to have struggled with the same problem most of my life.  I wait until things are as bad as they possibly can be before I want to do something to change the situation.  I'm happy to report that, at long last, I feel I am small but steady strides in improving this.  Lately things have not been the worst, but they've gotten as close to being what I consider to be the worst, as I could get without going that one extra step into "worstdom".  Lately I've felt like I've been at some sort of a crossroad.  I've been told my someone very knowledgeable that many missionaries come to this point around the two year mark.  That time has come and gone for me, and for a while I've felt like God was telling me to "fish or cut bait,".  I've taken on far more worrying than God allots for any one of His beloved creations.  And, boy oh boy, have I been feeling sorry for myself.  For the past few months, all of this negativity has manifested into spending a lot of time at home, in front of the computer, the TV, or lying in bed.  As the negativity increased, so did my resentment and anger toward God.   I felt that if He wanted me to expand the ministry so badly, He needed to step up His part in helping me.  What I refused to acknowledge was, He has always been there for me; I wasn't close to Him because I was failing to do my part.

So, today was a day and a half for me.  Self pity was at an all time high, and I just couldn't stop crying.  I was so frustrated things weren't my way.  I was in a public place, so I couldn't scream out loud.  But, in my mind, I was screaming.  The convo went down a little like this:
ME: "God, WHY aren't you helping me?"
GOD: "Do you want it (the ministry)?"
ME: "I need You to help me!"
GOD: "Do you want it?"
ME: "Why can't you just help me out with this?"
GOD: "DO YOU WANT IT?"
ME: "YES! You know I want this more than anything!".
GOD: "Then stop feeling sorry for yourself and just go get it!  I'll take care of the house, your food, your income, your utilities, even all your crazy animals.  If YOU want this, YOU go get it.  I can't want it for YOU.  As soon as YOU want this as much as I do, that's when I'll be there and that's when I'll be walking alongside you.".
So, there it is in a nutshell.  I have to want this for myself for it to work.  No one, not even God, can want it for me.  I have to want it for ME.  So, literally in a heartbeat or two, I found that I had dropped the self pity bologna and a weight was lifted off my shoulders.  I consoled a nurse in the burn unit who had lost a patient of her that was very special to her.  I made some kids with cancer laugh with some improvised clowning.  It was small potatoes, but, for the first time in months, I didn't feel sad, and I didn't feel sorry for myself.  For the first time, whatever steps I have to take to expand the ministry, no matter how long or difficult, doesn't matter to me at all.  I realized today that even though at times it seems as though we're light years apart, God and I really are in sync with a lot of things.  But I have to put MY effort in along with God's.  He's making me work for it, and that's exactly how it should be.  Although I may not have the same physical ailments as my patients, out struggles are very similar.  They tool, are in struggles every day of their lives, where they can't seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Sometimes I feel that way too.  If this were meant to be easy, I wouldn't be able to revel in the miracles and blessings I see in my patients and in myself along the way.

At the end of the day, we just need each other.  We ALL need each other.  Every single person I come across in any given day has the potential of making an impact on my life; good, bad or otherwise.  And I have the ability to do the same.  And we need different people in different ways.  Some, we need their expertise.  Some, we need their contacts with others,.  Some we need their friendship, some their love, some their spiritual guidance and mentorship.  The point is, foibles and all, we need each other.  We share God's love with others, and we trust that God will share His love with us through others as well.  The heart of my ministry is agape love, and it wasn't working because I wasn't putting in the effort of making it work.  And things still aren't perfect.  Even though I had amazing time with God today, the problems I had before that time are still there afterward.  But what an amazing feeling it is knowing that God is there.  He wants this for me just as much as I do, and He loves me enough to make me make His desires for me come true.