Who's Driving?

I don't believe I've made it to be much of a secret that this past month has been difficult for me.  Physically, I've been tired and run down.  I've felt angry, depressed, and out of control.  Towards the beginning of the month, there was a pretty brutal terrorist attack in the small coastal town of Mpeketoni.  At the last count I dared to look at, 49 people were killed.  The assault targeted men, and most of the men were shot in the head right in front of their families.  We've had several terrorist attacks in the months preceding this one.  I'm not sure why this particular attack affected me the way it did.  As I watched the footage of men, women and children screaming and crying, fear and rage grew inside me.  I wasn't angry at the people who committed these horrible acts.  I was angry at God.  My hear understood about free will,. but my head kept asking, where was God when all of this was happening?  Why couldn't He stop it?  Why isn't He doing anything to help the situation?  I spent some time with a few very strong Christians I love and respect, and had some open and honest conversations with them.  But, even in those conversations, I really didn't get any satisfactory answers.  I wanted to know why, and of course, only God knows why each individual person chooses free will over Him.  Fear bred from confusion.  When I'm confused, I feel out of control.  When I feel out on control, I get angry.  When I'm scared, I also get angry.  In response to this situation, I felt both of those things very strongly.  I really had a hard time believing this was how God was running the world.  This was hard for me to admit until recently, but the trust that I felt I was gaining in God had gone away.   So essentially, I thought I could do better, and so I tried.  Believe me when I tell you, I could control things no better than an infant could drive a car.  And I discovered that the more I tried to control things, the worse it got.  I tried to control people, which led to strained and broken relationships.  Not just with individuals, but with God Himself.  The farther I moved away from Him, the worse things got.  I wasn't just taking the control for myself.  I was also giving it to people, places, and things.  Interactions with people were controlling me.  Money was controlling me.  Food was controlling me.  The internet and TV was controlling me.  Even the people up the street playing their music too loud was controlling me.
Eventually, two and a half weeks into other things controlling me and me trying to control things instead of God, I decided t take a day from my "duties" of playing God and took a hike into Maasai country.  For those of you who've never been, the view in the Maasai country of Kenya is absolutely breathtaking.  It's also one of the few places in the country that is untouched by a lot of people, garbage, noise, and pollution.  Basically when you're there, you're surrounded by nature and it's the best place for me to listen to God.  A lot happened out there between me and God.  There were some arguments, blaming, and anger involved, all on my part.  There were some nice surprises, like herds of wild zebras and antelope.  I shed a lot of tears.  I didn't get the answers I was looking for.  But, I got the answers I needed.  I know God is there for me, even when I turn my back on Him. I know I can choose how I feel, and I can choose how things affect me.  And for sure, I know that I'm lousy at playing God, and hate being in the "driver's seat".  It's not working for me anymore.  Life still isn't perfect, nor will it ever be.  The people up the street still play their music too loud sometimes.  I'm still waiting on things I've been waiting on for what seems like ages.  And I'm still working on allowing God to be in control, even when I don't agree or understand His decisions.  I tend to give things over to God one moment, then snatch it back the next.  But, in this moment, right now things are better.  I'll take it.