I'm currently reading a book called Conversations with God: by Neal Donald Walsch. There are several books in the series, and I'm currently working on Book 3. What he does is he goes into his office with a legal pad and a pen, talks to God, and writes down the conversations. It sound simple enough, but what God tells him is very deep and impossibly profound. I've tried this before, but today the results were, to me, exceptionally remarkable. Here's how it went down:
God: What do you want?
Me: Does it really matter what I want? Do I have a choice?
God: You do. What do YOU want?
Me: I want to see MY family, MY friends, MY country. But, I also want to finish what we started.
God: Do you not believe we have already done that?
Me: No, I don't. I'm not finished yet. I'm not finished with me, with You, Father, ans I'm certainly not finished with all the people I have yet o know and share with.
God: So, maybe you're right. Maybe we're not finished. Why are you acting, behaving, and believing that we are?
Me: I'm afraid to hope, Father. I'm afraid to want, and I'm afraid to need. I feel like if I don't believe, don't hope, don't want and don't need, I won't be disappointed.
God: Tell me, please, how's that working out for you?
Me: It's rotten. I hate it. I feel tired, angry, and depressed most of the time.
God: OK, so here's the deal. I want for you to be happy. I want for you toe feel safe. I want for you to feel loved. At the same time, the things you don't want for yourself, I don't want for you, either. I don't want you to be sad. I don't want you to be angry. Even if you don't yet know or care to admit every single inner most desire of your heart, I know each and every one. I knew them long before I ever made you. So, I'm going to do my part and do whatever I have to do to give you the inner most desires of your heart, and take away the things you don't want. You've done the hardest part already; you've taken the first step in having faith in Me. As scary as it was, YOU did that. So now, let's take a small step farther beyond your fear and your doubt. Let ME help you work through them, then just give them to Me. Don't hang onto things that hurt you. It breaks My heart when I see you choosing pain. I know that you think I can't handle your pain, and that I won't understand it. I CAN handle your pain, and I DO understand it all too well, every single part of it. You're struggling to let go, truly let go, and completely unleash every single part of my love for others which I placed in your beautiful heart. I'm telling you, it will be alright. Just let go. I'll be here, always. I promise, I won't let you fall.
Me: And that's my fear, Father. I'm so afraid of not being in control because I'm afraid of going back to the places I was before.
God: It's impossible for you to go back to the places you were before. There's no way. You didn't know me before. Your mind, your spirit, and your heart refused to allow you to accept the unconditional love I was so freely offering you. There's a part of you that is still very much afraid to accept it, which is why you've been having a difficult time. Once you have truly accepted every part of me into your heart, there's no turning back for you. I know you think there is. I know you get frightened. Satan whispers in your ear all the time, confusing you and lying to you. I know you want to know the truth. So, here it is: you will NOT go back. Whatever happens, wherever you are, we are in this together and you will not go back.
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