Do YOU Want It?

There are days when I don't talk to God out loud, but in my mind.  Today was one of those days.  I'm here to tell ya, God isn't always gentle.  When we need a swift kick in the butt, like I needed today, He is firm, honest, but still very forgiving and kind.  I seem to have struggled with the same problem most of my life.  I wait until things are as bad as they possibly can be before I want to do something to change the situation.  I'm happy to report that, at long last, I feel I am small but steady strides in improving this.  Lately things have not been the worst, but they've gotten as close to being what I consider to be the worst, as I could get without going that one extra step into "worstdom".  Lately I've felt like I've been at some sort of a crossroad.  I've been told my someone very knowledgeable that many missionaries come to this point around the two year mark.  That time has come and gone for me, and for a while I've felt like God was telling me to "fish or cut bait,".  I've taken on far more worrying than God allots for any one of His beloved creations.  And, boy oh boy, have I been feeling sorry for myself.  For the past few months, all of this negativity has manifested into spending a lot of time at home, in front of the computer, the TV, or lying in bed.  As the negativity increased, so did my resentment and anger toward God.   I felt that if He wanted me to expand the ministry so badly, He needed to step up His part in helping me.  What I refused to acknowledge was, He has always been there for me; I wasn't close to Him because I was failing to do my part.

So, today was a day and a half for me.  Self pity was at an all time high, and I just couldn't stop crying.  I was so frustrated things weren't my way.  I was in a public place, so I couldn't scream out loud.  But, in my mind, I was screaming.  The convo went down a little like this:
ME: "God, WHY aren't you helping me?"
GOD: "Do you want it (the ministry)?"
ME: "I need You to help me!"
GOD: "Do you want it?"
ME: "Why can't you just help me out with this?"
GOD: "DO YOU WANT IT?"
ME: "YES! You know I want this more than anything!".
GOD: "Then stop feeling sorry for yourself and just go get it!  I'll take care of the house, your food, your income, your utilities, even all your crazy animals.  If YOU want this, YOU go get it.  I can't want it for YOU.  As soon as YOU want this as much as I do, that's when I'll be there and that's when I'll be walking alongside you.".
So, there it is in a nutshell.  I have to want this for myself for it to work.  No one, not even God, can want it for me.  I have to want it for ME.  So, literally in a heartbeat or two, I found that I had dropped the self pity bologna and a weight was lifted off my shoulders.  I consoled a nurse in the burn unit who had lost a patient of her that was very special to her.  I made some kids with cancer laugh with some improvised clowning.  It was small potatoes, but, for the first time in months, I didn't feel sad, and I didn't feel sorry for myself.  For the first time, whatever steps I have to take to expand the ministry, no matter how long or difficult, doesn't matter to me at all.  I realized today that even though at times it seems as though we're light years apart, God and I really are in sync with a lot of things.  But I have to put MY effort in along with God's.  He's making me work for it, and that's exactly how it should be.  Although I may not have the same physical ailments as my patients, out struggles are very similar.  They tool, are in struggles every day of their lives, where they can't seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Sometimes I feel that way too.  If this were meant to be easy, I wouldn't be able to revel in the miracles and blessings I see in my patients and in myself along the way.

At the end of the day, we just need each other.  We ALL need each other.  Every single person I come across in any given day has the potential of making an impact on my life; good, bad or otherwise.  And I have the ability to do the same.  And we need different people in different ways.  Some, we need their expertise.  Some, we need their contacts with others,.  Some we need their friendship, some their love, some their spiritual guidance and mentorship.  The point is, foibles and all, we need each other.  We share God's love with others, and we trust that God will share His love with us through others as well.  The heart of my ministry is agape love, and it wasn't working because I wasn't putting in the effort of making it work.  And things still aren't perfect.  Even though I had amazing time with God today, the problems I had before that time are still there afterward.  But what an amazing feeling it is knowing that God is there.  He wants this for me just as much as I do, and He loves me enough to make me make His desires for me come true.