So today, I was on my way to volunteer and give donations for an organization called Living Positive Kenya. I was feeling pretty good, because I love these women. They are all HIV positive, but they are happy, loving, kind and, most importantly surviving AND thriving. I had to be accompanied by one of the ladies because I still did not know my way. Shortly before we reached the building, my escort said to me, "I have to tell you there is a dead baby on the side of the road up ahead. We have to use this road because there isn't any other road to use,". She was so used to situations like this, it was like she was telling me about the weather. I've heard of hundreds of these unfortunate babies born to mothers who couldn't take care of them and are dumped. But I had never seen one. I asked her if she was sure the baby was dead. She didn't know. She also didn't know how long he had been there. Apart from the fact that there really was no other way to travel than straight ahead, I also have medical training as an EMT, so I was praying I wasn't too late to save the baby's life.
I was too late. Without going into all of the details, it was obvious to me from the moment I laid eyes on him that he had been dead for quite some time. He was also lying in a garbage bag, tossed aside like discarded trash. I cried out and stepped back so quickly I almost tripped over my own feet. My reaction was automatic. Throughout the two and a half cumulative years that I have been a hospital and hospice chaplain in Kenya, I've seen many, many people who have passed away. Some were even babies. But I had never seen anything, anything like this. I was shaking, and I felt sick to my stomach. I was advised to leave quickly before the police arrived, lest they think I had been involved in this baby's death in some way. I said a quick prayer for the beautiful baby boy with the full of head of gorgeous, curly black hair, and went on my way. About a half hour later I returned to see if he had been removed, and he had.
I promised myself from the beginning that I would be honest, so here it is: God has been whispering to my heart all day of the plight of the baby's mother. How scared she must have been. How young. How inexperienced. How desperate. And I hear Him. But I still can't help but feel angry, and even a little unsympathetic. No matter what the circumstances, I can't wrap my brain around any form of justification as to why someone would do something like that. Something is telling me that this baby's mother was very afraid that if she abandoned this child even to a reputable organizations that deal with this very problem, she would have been thrown in jail or forced to pay a bribe. She wanted to see her baby be put in the arms of Jesus quickly rather than slowly, and with pain. The possibilities are endless. I named the baby Matthew, which means "gift from God", to remind myself and others that every single child is such a beautiful and precious gift from God, and, as such, they need to be loved and nourished and cared for.
After praying for bay Matthew, I proceeded to the center, gave out my donations, sang and prayed for the women there, and even gave a couple of the massages. That is what we do. We experience the situation, feel our feelings and process our emotions, cry if necessary, and then we move on. I know it may make us appear to be cold and callus, but that is what we have to do to survive, and that is what we have to do to continue sharing God's love, mercy and grace with others who need it. If we give in to chronic despair and depression in every situation that is handed to us, we will not be able to do God's good work, and satan will have won. I cried with the program director after seeing baby Matthew. And I cried again in the bathroom of a medical clinic. And I'm crying again right now as I am writing this. And that's OK. Through the tears I am still working for the glory of God. Through all of the horrors and depressive circumstances I still believe we can and are changing the world one person at a time. As long as there are people in the world who need God's love, mercy and grace, we will be there, regardless of circumstance. This sin't just about feeding people, or loving them, or praying for them, or donating to them. It is about finding a strength within you that you never knew you had, and using that strength to empower and change others. Rest in peace, beautiful baby boy. I will continue to share God's love, mercy and grace in your honor and memory. You are loved.
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