Not So Brave......

My friend's daughter and I went to go visit our little Pendo yesterday.  Pendo had not been doing well for several months, and over the past few days she had declined pretty rapidly.  As we were walking to the hospital, I mentioned to my friend's daughter, Morrie, how the walk to the hospital to find out if a patient has died is one of the worst walks I'll ever take.  It's never a pleasurable thing to see if you will be walking into a room to find a suffering patient, or an empty bed.  We found Pendo's bed empty.  I didn't even need to ask the nurses; I knew she was dead.  Although I am grieving the absence of this beautiful and spirited child, I am so grateful that God answered our prayers and that sweet baby isn't suffering anymore.  The progression of her illness and death was by far the worst I have ever seen; even worse than my father's death.  I remember the day Pendo and I met.  She was fighting to get out of the cancer ward, and eventually she was fighting me as I held her and prayed for God to give her peace.  At that moment, I saw all of her fear and anger leave her, and it never returned.
During the last few months of her life, she was in a tremendous amount of pain.  I couldn't touch her anywhere on her body that didn't make her wince in agony, and eventually it was difficult for her to even lie in bed.  The only place I could touch her that didn't cause her pain was the top of her head.  I swear, I must have rubbed a bald patch on the child's head!
The thing I'm most grateful for is that she died feeling and knowing she was loved.  I didn't see her the day she died.  I was thinking about going that day, but I was so emotionally and spiritually tired that I had to stay home and rest.  I did manage to see her the day before she died.  She was in and out of consciousness, and wasn't aware of her surroundings.  She was also hallucinating, much in the same way my father was shortly before he died.  Shortly before I left her, God blessed Pendo with a very brief moment of clarity.  She emerged quite suddenly from wherever she had been.  She was conscious and aware of her surroundings, and was able to ask for water and juice.  I used those moments to tell her over and over that God loved her, her friends and family loved her, and I loved her.  I'm so grateful the last thing I said to her was that I loved her.
It's funny.  Despite the fact that my heart is sad today, I am able to rejoice in all the blessings God provided wrapped up in my experiences with the little girl.  And even though I am sad, I can still fell God's love all around me.  His love is a warm and comfortable blanket for me today.  I can be sad; I don't have to be happy all the time.  I can feel my feelings and be comforted by God's grace and mercy.
So many people tell me I'm an angel and I have a lot of strength to minister and assist children who are sick and dying in making their transitions from this earthly world into the waiting arms of the Father.  But oh, if you could just know these kids.  If you could just understand their courage.  They are the strong ones.  At the end of the day, I get to come home to a comfortable house, a full, hot meal a warm, soft bed, security.  The kids have to live day in and day out not knowing if the friends they are playing with today are going to be there to play with them tomorrow.  They are the ones who have to endure painful and frightening medical procedures all alone, with no comfort or support.  They are the ones who have to listen to the screams and cries of their friends as they go through the same.  They are the ones who have to see their friends lying dead in their hospital beds, and they are the ones who have to watch their friends being wheeled away, covered in a sheet.  They are the ones who have to worry and wonder every single day if they are going to be the next ones on that stretcher.
I'm not brave for working with these children; it is God's calling for me so my love for them and desire to support them comes easily and naturally.  I am the one who is so incredibly, incredibly blessed for knowing them.  I learn so much from them.  They readily give the purest and most unconditional form of love.  If I had one tenth of the guts that these kids have to endure what they go through on a daily basis and still have the ability to laugh, smile and find the joy in living, I most certainly would have accomplished so much more with my life than what I have accomplished up to this point.  My life changed forever when these kids came into my lives.  It continues to change my life for the better, every moment I know them.  I love these kids with all my heart, and I want to thank you for loving them, too.