This past weekend, I visited the children in the cancer ward. It was the first time I had visited since little Pendo passed away. I wanted to believe that it wouldn't be a problem for me going back. In fact, I didn't have any negative feelings going to the ward at all.....
Then I got there. I acted my usual silly, goofy, funny self, loving on the kids, playing with them, and showing God's love for them. But something was a little off that day. I had brought a volunteer with me, and while I was giving her a tour, I went by all of the places Pendo and I shared our time together. Although in my mind I know she has gone, I could see her in her bed, fighting for her life. That day another one of my little ones was having a difficult time, undergoing painful and frightening treatments. I'll be honest, as I was holding him and comforting him, the one thought I had was: how much longer can I do this? How much longer can I stand idly by and hear their screams, and watch them die? How much longer?
The quick answer is: for as long as I have to. This is hard. I know too darn many of these children. Even though I know to be with the Lord was ultimately what was best for them, I miss them so much. I feel like I am forever in various stages of the grieving process. Just when I think I have it licked, another child dies. It's a difficult, never ending cycle with no beginning and no end. I just thank God that I have a strong support system of therapists, fiends, and chosen family to support me through the difficult times through prayer and fellowship. God knows I can't do this alone.
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