Martyrdom

When I first began my journey of healing several years ago, the word "martyr" was thrown around a lot.  I hated it.  I felt offended and angry when people referred to me as a martyr.  I refused, as they say, to see the forest for the trees and focused on how it hurt me, not on how my behavior was affecting others.

Lately, the word "martyr" has been coming up again.  Not by anyone else, but by the realizations the Holy Spirit has shard with me about my behavior.  For me, the term "martyr" has always been a difficult concept to understand.  I always assumed being a martyr was a good thing.  I thought that it showed a lot of love for people when you sacrifice your own personal peace and happiness for the good of someone else.  As of late, I'm beginning to realize that is not exactly true. I've been feeling "off" lately.  I still do the things I've always done, but not with as much enthusiasm or joy.  My work at the hospital has really been bringing me down.  In the past three months, we've lost six innocent children to a vile, ugly, disgusting disease known as cancer.  It's been hard.  It's been emotionally draining.  And it's been negatively affecting the way I've lived my life outside of the hospital.  I can't deny anymore that it hasn't.  When it came to my patients I have, in every sense, been a martyr.  I've needed to take a break from the hospital for a long time, but my perceived loyalties to my patients, my ministry, and my supporters has prevented me from doing so.  I've since realized these were only excuses, and the only real loyalties I have are to take care of myself so I can help others.    That said, I'm taking an extended leave of absence from the hospital for spiritual, psychological, and physical respite.  Satan has tried his best to convince me that he has won, as I am going to be spending time away from the hospital, like he's always wanted me to do.  But, the Holy Spirit, in His infinite and powerful wisdom, has helped me realize that satan has absolutely not won.  If I keep going the way I've been going, he will have won.  The depression, anger and burn out I've felt in regards to my work at the hospital was beginning to consume my entire life.  I wasn't focusing on other parts of my ministry I'd like to see build and grow, and I was neglecting my other responsibilities.  It wasn't just affecting me; it was affecting others who depend on me and the services my ministry provides.  it's been a tough month.  However, I'm looking at it in a positive light.  As with any difficult situation, the lessons come with the experience and living.  Many times, we go through difficult situations because we can't learn what we need to learn any other way.  There's much to be learned in experiencing this situation.  I need to take care of myself before I can take care of anyone else.  If I ever feel like I am doing something out of obligation and it is damaging me in some way, I need to step away and take a break.  I need to start practicing what I preach and realize it's OK to take respite when things are rough.  For these lessons, I am truly grateful.